


It Requires A Stab In The Back To Join

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, FUCK YOU, Fuck the World, fUCK ME, fuck everything, i hate my life, this took forever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:49:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5206475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Your so horrible because you never even went to her funeral.<br/>You didn’t even love her, more like you depended on her?<br/>Is that what love is?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bad Luck Charm

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so listen up, this is the second time i've had to write this. way to go, dave! am i right?  
> The title has nothing to do with the story, it is just to capture the readers attention.  
> This chapter contains  
> -death  
> -self hatred  
> -i think that's it but i'm a dumb fuck

You felt responsible for the things in the world that go wrong.  
You think of yourself as a bad luck charm.  
You admit that you’re depressed but there is something bright in your dreams.  
Something bright and warm and makes you feel better.  
You wake up in tears because it’s not real.  
You hate the waking world because of this dream.  
You just want to be happy with whoever is in that dream.

Aradia.  
No idiot, she's dead.  
Don’t forget what you did, ever. Remind yourself everyday.  
Remember that you _killed_ Aradia.  
You are responsible for everyone’s death that you love.  
She died and you were nowhere near her, but it was your fault.  
It was your fault because you told her:  
_be safe_

 

If you had kept your stupid mouth shut she would be alive right now  
_i will 0u0_

Your so horrible because you never went to her funeral.  
You didn’t even love her, more like you depended on her?  
Is that what love is?  
When you **ACHE** because she’s gone?  
You don’t know what love is, you never felt like touching her.  
It always happened in those movies. The dude seduces the woman and they do something freaky.  
You hate those movies because they're gross.  
Not only gross, but scary.  
No matter how old you got.  
It was still very gross and very scary.

‘Still a virgin’, is an insult.  
Yeah, you’re still a virgin because you’re scared and it’s gross.  
You got off track.  
You never touched Aradia because you never wanted to.  
Does that mean you don’t love her?

You did love her, she was the only thing keeping you going.  
The only thing that made your life worth living.  
She’s gone now.  
What are you going to do about it?

Aradia was going to accomplish her dream.  
Take a plane ride so that she could look at fossils in the dirt.  
Sweat bullets and smell gross.  
**SHE NEVER MADE IT, WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL?**

This is all your fault.  
You’re going to lose your apartment if you don’t leave and make money.

Why should you?

~~Because she would want you to show her that you can live without her, right?~~  
~~That you can survive?~~  
~~No, that you can accomplish something without her.~~  
**No, so you could let go and not let her death hold you back.**

You get up from your bed, finally. It’s been three days since the last time you got up.  
Your starving.  
You need to pee.  
You need to take a goddamn shower.

You do that in this order just in case anyone was curious: pee, shower, and eat.  
You’re ready to leave now.  
You hesitated to open the door.  
You think your having second thoughts.  
_You have to go to work, Sollux._  
_Aradia would not want you to be living like this because she died._

Your using logic for the first time in life, you open the door.  
It’s brighter outside than you remember.  
  
You text your boss saying that you’re coming in today.  
His messages were dripping with concern.  
He knows what your going through.  
_You are not the only one experiencing this, Sollux._  
But you are responsible for it.

You work at a small bookstore.  
You work there because it’s small and quiet.  
It’s like a library.  
You like to read, you like to manipulate things as well.  
Not just people, technology too.  
You have a cousin you are learning from.  
He knows a lot more things that you crave to know.

You remember that you need to clean your glasses.  
That was the one thing that you always forgot to do.

You’re at work now, you check in with your boss and your shelving books now.  
Your back hurts a lot, Aradia said that you needed a new mattress.  
You see why now.  
You remember something of the past.

_come to the window 0u0_  
_why_  
_because im outside_  
_bs_  
_take a look_

She was outside.  
It was snowing.  
This was her way of saying merry christmas.  
She made that holiday worth celebrating.  
Your suddenly feel very sad, _what are you going to do for christmas?_  
You have to get back to work.

Your at the counter now, you are the cashier for the moment because the other dude was on break.  
You forgot his name, or was it a girl?  
It was a girl, her name had something to do with a catnip?  
You faintly remember that her name was Nepeta.  
This sweaty guy picks her up during her breaks. It might be her boyfriend.  
Sweaty, muscle guys must be her type.  
She reminds you of a kid sometimes.

A girl comes in, she’s kind of chubby and she’s very tan.  
The manager told you that she had been coming here everyday for the past week.  
She buys one book every day, he said, you have no clue if she reads that fast or if she just likes spending money.  
She comes up to purchase a book, it has a mermaid on it.  
That’s nice, you think.

“Are you new? I haven’t seen you here before.”  
Small talk, you can do this.  
“No, I just took a big break. Lost someone important to me.”  
You like making people sad for you, you hate that you enjoy it. Her expression changes from a smile to a frown.  
“Oh, that must be very hard. I’m sorry.”  
She purchases it, you expect her to leave as soon as you hand her the receipt.  
“May I borrow a pen right quick?”  
Yeah, okay. You don’t know why though.  
You hand her a pen, she writes on the receipt that you had handed her.  
_She knows that she doesn’t have to sign it, right?_  
_She paid in cash._

She handed you the receipt and the pen together.  
You’re really confused.  
She hurried out before you could question it.  
The receipt has her number on it, underneath it says:  
_if you need to talk about it, then feel free to message/call me._  
You want to throw it away, but it’s one of the nicest things someone has ever done for you.  
You keep it.

Your manager jokes about how you are really good with the ladies, no, you really aren’t.  
You go home late, when you get home, you take out her number and enter it into your phone.  
You enter her phone number but you never press the call button. Never sent a message.  
Maybe you should, though.  
Maybe you need to talk to someone about it, instead of bottling it all up.  
Your gonna do it.

hello stranger  
you gave me your number  
im here and ready to mingle

oh, hello!!  
my name is feferi!

i dont know  
how to talk  
to people

oh, it’s alright

im supposed to talk about my feelings right?  
i lost a girl named aa  
wait her real name was aradia  
that was her nickname

im sorry for you lose  
did you go to her funeral or was there not one to go to?

there was but i couldnt bring myself to go

that’s alright  
others do that too  
some people see it as a sign of disrespect  
i see it as a sign as not wanting to accept it  
but people got to accept someones one's death at some point

i felt horrible for not going  
its good to be reassured though but her death was  
my fault

how was it your fault?

i told her  
to be safe  
she ends up dying  
i jinxed it and she died  
its my fault  
im a bad luck charm for anyone who shows kindess towards me  
so i think we should stop talking before something bad happens to you

no! please don’t go!  
i feel like i killed my mom

did you really

in all honesty, no  
you argue with someone and they end up dying and never coming back home  
so your father and older sister is all you got now

oh  
i told myself this morning  
that im not the only one that experience’s this  
its a fact now  
how is your family

too busy to spend time with me  
how about yours

older brother is married  
parents divorced  
cousin is alright sometimes

that’s good  
i spend time with a boy who has a crush on me  
i dont like him back  
i never said yes  
i never said no  
he might have thought that it meant yes  
i dont want him to kiss me in public

then tell him that it makes your uncomfortable  
tell him that you dont like him that way  
you only wish to be friends  
maybe hell understand  
if he doesnt then he wasnt a good friend to begin with

hes a good guy, honestly!!!!  
he has had his share of problems too  
though none of them have to do with death  
i dont want to hurt him

you should not have endure that though  
if you do not feel like being touched that way by him  
then you should tell him  
say  
hey  
i don't like you the way you like me  
nothing more

i can’t do that alone  
he’s kind of unpredictable  
i don’t know what he might do if i said that to him

then ill go with you

_What are you doing, Sollux?_

will you?  
i mean its just a stupid problem

if he is crossing your boundries  
and you are very uncomfortable with that  
then it is a big problem

_Let me rephrase it for you again, Sollux. What the **HELL** are you doing?_

we just met and you are being so kind  
ok  
umm crap  
i never asked your name

its sollux

ok, sollux  
i’ll stay at the bookstore till you get a break or when you get off your shift.

i get off at five in the afternoon

ill tell eridan to meet us at the park nearby  
you know where that is  
right?

yeah  
ill support you if anything goes wrong

thank you so much.  
i don’t think i could ever do this without you

no one should have to go through something like that  
kissing is gross

its funny that you say that  
i agree

_You found someone who agrees with you._

i will see you tomorrow feferi

goodnight, sollux!

goodnight

Your name is Sollux Captor and for once, you're can't wait to go to work for once.


	2. Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fucking read it, sorry but I am not in the mood to deal with this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at first, i was like. ... im never going to update this  
> but now i feel like it so fuck

You told your manager that you won’t be working extra hours for the night. He seemed okay with that, you were quite relieved.  
The hours seemed to stretch, you were very impatient.   
Feferi came in around one, you hung out with her. She was even allowed to come behind the counter.   
  
“What’s your favorite color,” you asked.   
“Pink! It gives me a good feeling,” she replied.  
  
“What does Eridan look like?”   
“Um, hold on! I got a picture of him!!”   
He has tons of freckles and is white like sour cream, just like you.  
  
“If you do not mind me asking, can I see what Aradia looked like?”   
“Yeah, I can do that,” you replied.   
You took out your phone and showed her your wallpaper.   
She thought it was cute that AA was your wallpaper.   
You never expected to go through the five stages of grief so quickly.   
Aradia’s family probably hates you, yet again, you never liked them to begin with.  
  
“What kind of books do you like, Feferi?”   
“Mostly fantasy, I like ones that involve mermaids.I like mermaids and sea animals, I can’t wait for the day I can finally go to the beach. There isn’t one in this area.”   
“Maybe I’ll pick up a book and read one of your favorites. It’s been a long time since I read fiction.”   
“Oh! It’s at my house! You’ll love it, well, I don’t know if you’ll love it but!! It’s so good!!”   
You smiled because of how excited she was.   
She stops smiling for a second, you think you did something wrong.   
  
“How often do you smile?”   
“I usually smile whenever I’m happy, Feferi.”   
“I hope to see that smile more often,” she said in response.   
  
Hours flew by, when you were with Feferi.   
Maybe she’s your new friend, you really needed one of those.   
One that actually sounds like they care,like Feferi.   
  
Your shift is over, you are ready to stand up for Feferi if needed.  
  
You walked out with Feferi, your manager giving you a thumbs up as you leave. Someday, you will punch him, but today is not that day.   
It is getting cold, it was mid fall and you need to start wearing your jacket again.   
  
There was a dude sitting on a bench at the park, he was the sour cream white guy in the photo that Feferi had showed you. It kind of looks stupid.   
He saw Feferi and got up, speed walking towards you and Feferi.   
  
“Hey, Fef!”   
She seemed nervous.   
“H-hi, Danny.”   
“Is there something wrong?”   
“Um, yes, kind of.”   
She looked so scared, you kind of wanted to say it for her.   
“Who is this,” he asked, he’s talking about you.   
“A friend of mine, his name is Sollux.”   
He didn’t say hi to you, he looks really mad that you’re here.   
It’s probably because you’re holding her hand.   
She’s shaking, you can’t tell if it’s just because she’s cold or if it’s because she’s scared.  
  
“Danny,” she said, getting his attention again.   
“What’s wrong?”   
“I don’t think we should be dating, I never even agreed to date you. I’m sorry, Danny. I can’t do this with you anymore”   
He looks kind of sad right now, then he gets really angry again.  


“Did he do this, Fef?! Did he swoop you off your feet and you came here to ditch me for him? Was that the point of this meetup? To tell me that you were ditching me?”  
“Please calm down, Danny!”   
“I will not calm down, Fef! This mother fucker is stealing you from me!”   
“No, Danny! He just lost his girlfriend! We’re friends!”

You don’t think Eridan was listening to Feferi anymore.  
He swings at your face, the next moment, you find yourself on the ground. When you look up, he was gone.   
He ran and Feferi stayed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's really short but that's because i still haven't figured out what to do next even though i already have it written down hhhhhhh

**Author's Note:**

> DID YOU KNOW THAT CODING MAKES A HUMAN BEING SUFFER


End file.
